"Be Excellent To Each Other"

The other day, while watching Dan interact with a group of schoolmates on a basketball court,  someone said to me: "It's so great how those kids are so good to him."

It was said in kindness but I felt like I'd been slapped. Why is it so great? Why should we be thankful for someone being "good" to him? She spoke as if he were a cranky, distant great-uncle that we bring a poundcake to in the nursing home once a year. Like it was a favor to be good to him. I gave a wide, frozen smile and nodded, unable to speak as she beamed at me beatifically.

Should I be feeling lucky that he's not treated like an outsider? Stoned in the village square? Just let me know please, because if so, I'm having difficulty with social rules. I will probably need a teensy minute to regroup and maybe a social story for someone to coach me through this if this is the case.

It's so great, but wait, those kids don't get props for being great to the other kids on that court. Dan wasn't being a jerk to anyone (in that moment), so why should it be something that is notably "great" when people --not toddlers or grade schoolers, mind you, but people in adolescence who know how to be decent most of the time if you are not their mom --are kind to other people.

You may disagree, find me cynical. This might offend you or perhaps I sound ungrateful or bitter. I understand the sentiment, I do. I am glad our world is growing in acceptance and inclusion. I realize less than a century ago during the Holocaust we would have had to hide Dan from the Nazis who would eradicate him and all like him. I am grateful we know better, now.

But sometimes I really wonder why do we celebrate SO damn much when someone with a disability gets asked to prom? When they shoot a basket and the team goes wild? Why do we send tens of thousands of dollars to a very sweet teen who let another teen just help him with a job (although I agree he probably is a well-deserving young man in general)?
Is kindness so rare and our children so repulsive to society that we earn a prize and social media blows up just for doing sweet, every day things with them? To ask them to a dance? Are our children not desirable, athletic, capable of working? Are the expectations so low for my kids (the ones I live and work with) that the accomplishments they achieve are just shocking? So shocking it must be rewarded with massive amounts of social media and even money?

Dare I argue like a turdy Grinch that the money given to the kindness-giver COULD have been used for autism research, a trust fund for a future adult group home, a foundation for a job training co-op? The sweet hard working teen who is kind to a disabled peer already HAS the skills to find a job, to earn a living, maybe even to go to school; But most of the time, our person who is disabled does not (yet).
We reward the person who is kind, who IS truly wonderful and deserving! But where does that leave the individual in question in the first place? The most cynical of advocates would suggest they are left as simply a vehicle for inspiration porn. (Look it up, "Inspiration Porn" is a real term. Sigh.)

I'm not sure how to feel nor do I like feeling cynical about it. It's a confusing and uncomfortable feeling.  ...But I wonder, what kind of culture are we becoming when we celebrate every day love like it is so rare? Is it really?
I suppose I'm lucky. If I blogged a big celebratory post every time someone was a good friend or sweet to Dan or included him I'd be making you all nauseated every week. In my job and friendships I also get to see "different" kids do unexpectedly amazing things every day, showing me the depth and breadth of their potentials, their beautiful minds more complex and talented than many typical people I know. I also work with people who walk in kindness to others like they are breathing, without effort, just giving unconditional love in such challenging conditions day in and out without ever asking for recognition.
I guess I just take it for granted.

I also suppose in this current state of constant negative media firestorm, we need things to help us feel better, but I wish it weren't at the cost of perpetuating a culture of such low expectations.
I wish, I wish, I wish. I wish we could all just be okay with each other. No matter what color, ability, gender, sexual orientation, country of birth or spiritual beliefs.Why is this so hard for us to practice?

I live in hope that some day, being kind and friendly and including our kids in typical interactions is no big deal, doesn't require a media frenzy, and is an every day occurrence.
And I wish this for everyone else.